6.7.2007 - Psychological prisons: another Matrix metaphor

This spring I've often thought about psychological prisons. I had a disturbing deja vu experience at the beginning of the year when I realized I had been "living in a dream world" as Laurence Fishburne put it in The Matrix. I realized I had lived for years under the influence of a mind much stronger than mine, not really doing what I wanted, but what was really life according to the wishes of another person.

As I realized this, the shock was so horrible that I had to completely disengage from my then current life situation, much as Neo did. I had to abandon a large portion of the previous four years of my life - ex-girlfriend and friend, pets, apartment, numerous friends acquired through this one person, and a whole lot of my decency. I had to, for the first time in my life, be quite mean to someone, essentially pulling the rug from under their feet, leaving that person with all responsibility for mutual property, forcing them to put school on hold, and taking away one of her best friends.

It hurt like nothing had ever hurt before, but I had no choice if I wanted to take control of my own life and start living according to me and not someone else. I had to take the red pill and see how much life could offer me when I was not restricted by the needs and wants of another person. I had to "tumble down the rabbit hole" and let go of the dependency I had had for years.

I can't say how I felt my eyes opened after this. I saw a whole new world and wondered how I had never seen it before. Suddenly everything that I had previously thought was "not meant for me" was quite attainable. I could do anything. I had already previously thought I had a lot to gain from life, but after this a whole new universe of possibilities opened up for me.

So I started making these comparisons to Neo in the Matrix. I wondered if I was somehow unique in the matter. But I realized that movie has a whole lot more metaphorical content than I imagined. Every single person is a Mr. Anderson, and every single person lives in a psychological prison of some kind. That prison is unique to every person, and entails how they were brought up, which culture they were raised in, which faith they have, what jobs and hobbies they have had, etc. In the end, everyone has only a cell from which to view the world. Very few people dare to venture outside of their cell, even though the door is always open, even when it may seem locked. All it takes is a bit of courage to step outside of it and perhaps visit another person's cell.

Upon visiting that other cell, you may learn valuable things about your prison. If you enter with an open mind and friendly manner, you may be received hospitably and told stories you never knew of. If you have the possibility to visit many cells, you are truly lucky. For when you go back to your own comfortable cell, the walls of which are familiar and the window of which is just the right size and shape for you to look through upon the world, you may notice it has changed from when you left. Suddenly you can see a lot of things you couldn't before, and maybe appreciate it in an entirely new way.

But most importantly, you know that everyone's cell is unique. You can't throw rocks anymore at the neighbor's cell when you get into an argument about something. How could you, when you know that the reason for the argument is just that they can't see the world in the same way you do, because their cell is so different. Their window may be just a slight slit in the wall, or it may be an entire glass wall. And of course the most interesting cells to visit are those very cells that have a large window, maybe even several of them. You can see parts of the world you never knew existed, and you will be so awed by the amazing things life can give you that it will never feel the same again. Never dull, never static, never pointless. There will always be a reason to go on exploring. Find new worlds. Visit the next cell. If you run out of things to do in your own block, you can always venture into the next block, meeting a very different environment. It will take more courage, because the rules will differ more from those you are used to, and the views will be more radically different, but every step further away from home will make home seem all the more unique and special and worth appreciating. As will your entire life.

If you are the courageous type, or if you have had luck and have been pushed out of your cell, consider yourself lucky. You may just get more out of the real world when you have been to several different Matrices. And guess what? If the real world turns out to be too difficult to handle, you can always return to your own, take the blue pill, and settle comfortably in your cell. You can close the door and bolt the window, and take up a routine and continue doing that if it makes you comfortable. The great thing is we have a choice. You have a choice, Neo. And you've already made it. Now you just need to understand it.

8.6.2007 - Christianity = The Matrix + The Island?

So I had an interesting discussion with my sister today. While studying for the entrance exam into the English Filology program of the Helsinki University, she stumbled upon several excerpts from Genesis - the Christian story of the creation of the world. Here is one bit that she was exposed to:

And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall you touch it, lest ye die. And the serpent said unto the woman, 'Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.' And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her, and he did eat."

Now, reflecting upon these sentences gave some insight into the ideology of the Christian church. When you take into account that they did not, in fact, die, but were instead cast out of Paradise, and furthermore interpret this as the Christian church being God, the authority, and the secular people being Adam and Eve, the message is clear: If you question our authority, we will not kill you, but we will condemn you to eternal suffering and cut you off from salvation. Insane! The Tree of Knowledge was somehow not for humans, i.e. not for secular folk, meaning the church was really telling people not to think for themselves! Lest they lose their ticket to "Paradise"... The Island, anyone? Question the authorities and you are killed. Play by their rules and you will be "absolved", "saved", etc. Well, isn't that convenient for the church?

That's not the only movie that is a good metaphor of the Christian church. Think about what Morpheus said in The Matrix: "The Matrix is about control." He was talking about mind control, right? Well, what is this Genesis story but mind control? "Desire for knowledge is evil. You will die if you are too curious." So they are basically teaching us from when we are little not to think for ourselves, and never to question what the church tells us. Okay, I'm not so naive to think that the government and the schools today wouldn't do the same thing, albeit on a more subtle level.

What makes it more interesting is this bit that made my sister sputter in fury:

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; And thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

I wonder where all the womanizing comes from? Granted, womanizing does take place in other religions and other cultures, but for God's sake, it's codified! So all in all this was very convenient: women answer to men, and men answer to God (uh, yeah, that's the church then, because God is immaterial and the only portal to reaching God is the church). Now if they only managed to build a society based on this ideology, they'd have all the power!

..........

Oh yeah, they did. For, like two millenia! And they still do, to a great extent.

Oh well. Rant over. Just... keep your eyes and ears open. Think about your surroundings. You don't always have to believe what everyone tells you.

25.4.2007 - Money doesn't make you happy, but lack thereof makes you unhappy

That's my motto of the month: "Money doesn't make you happy, but lack thereof makes you unhappy." Or at least has a great fucking potential for that. You have to be pretty humble and enlightened not to be upset by (relatively) great monetary losses.

I feel like I'm being abused from so many directions right now. I just found out the learning agreement I made in Canada and went to great lengths to get sent to my co-ordinator in Finland, never got to its destination! Now I have to go through the same fucking hell I did last time I went abroad: to Germany. It was a fuckload of work to get all those course descriptions, go over them with my program leader, then send the individual course materials to their respective teachers for approval, and then wait x weeks or months to get them approved. Jesus Christ! And I STILL haven't received grades from two teachers. Those grades have been overdue for 1 year and 1,5 years now, respectively.

On top of that, I found out Pohjola isn't paying me a dime for my broken collarbone. Those cheapskates tell me my insurance does not cover "temporary work invalidity". So now I have to go whine to my boss to check if I can get paid for my four-week sick leave retroactively even though I did some work shifts during that period. And if that fails, go to KELA and spend hours waiting in line, filling in forms and applications, then waiting x weeks again for any money, and probably even then I'll only get a few stinking euros to buy coffee with.

This just isn't going according to plan. We're moving next Wednesday, that's in 6 days, and I don't really feel like spending my leisure time packing stuff. Then, on the 5th, which is the following Saturday, I have to hand in a project I haven't even started on yet. Then, on the 15th, we have an exam in Visual C++, and I haven't even started on the required assignments yet.

Oh yeah. And I just remembered - I managed to trash my Dad's car. I wonder what kind of bill I'll receive from the shop? Insurance will cover the most part, but I think I'm still going to be accountable for at least 150 bucks. Shit. Why is nobody bidding on my auctionfest on huuto.net? They're offering a measly 220 euros for my 599 euro receiver. And nothing on anything else. Well, 2 bucks on my digibox and 60 bucks on my TV. But those offers are jokes, really.

I know I'm wallowing in self-pity right now, and I know I should not dwell on such matters. It's self-destructive. In reference to Eckhart Tolle, my pain-body is so large right now my ego's taking over my life completely. And I don't even feel like I WANT to get rid of it, because I'm so angry. So I just have to hope this feeling blows over, because I can't consciously help it. I know, intellectually, that I'm not in that bad a situation really. I just don't feel it. I need an ego-shattering hammer or something.

Rant over. Mac out.

Edit 15.05: I just found out I underestimated my salary from 2006 by 1800 euros. That means I have to pay back an extra 1000 euros to KELA. God damn it. What else can go wrong? (Famous last words...)

22.3.2007 - Back from Åre, with one working arm

So I'm writing this post single-handedly. This due to the fact that I'm a shitfucker who falls in the slopes and breaks his collarbone. Way to go, Mac. way to go. I won't be able to use my left arm for four weeks. Yay! At least I won't have to endure surgery... That would have been a kick in the nuts. Ah well. At least the trip was fun, and I've dealt with the post-trip drama as well. It seems Kira is one hell of a woman to deal with! Then again, I spotted that a while ago. Thing is, I believe the treasure at the end of the hunt is worth the effort.

See, Kira is pretty awesome. I can see past her mountain of personal problems and her troubled past. It will continue to haunt her for a while, for sure, but beyond that accumulation of fear and doubt there is a delightful personality that enjoys life to the fullest. There's an angel's singing voice awaiting release, there's determination looking for a rewarding job, and there's an adventurer seeking travel and cultural experience, simply pending a suitable companion and adequate funding. All of these are underway. Kira is currently undergoing training into her new job in airport security. I'm helping her deal with her problems by being the first man to patiently listen to her fears and lay them to rest. I fear I don't have the capacity to take on them all alone, and we may need professional help. But the situation is far from hopeless. I see a strong light at the end of the tunnel. :)

5.3.2007 - Back on track... and some shit-kicking.

So, today I had a break. Or, rather, we did. Kira called SATO and cried that we're homeless and suddenly there was an apartment available in Northern Haga. :D So tomorrow we're going to sign the rental contract and get the keys, and Thursday I'll borrow the van from my dad's workplace for the (n+1)th time... Come Friday all of the big stuff should have been moved, and Kira can use the next week to pack/move the smaller items while I go to Åre. It feels bad to kind of leave the moving to her, but hey, this has been planned since August. I've paid a lot for it, and I'm going. It can't be helped that it's coming at a bad time.

We both felt really good today, and we met Thomas, too. By the way, we now live only a couple of hundred meters from Thomas and Jenni. He was pretty excited about that, as was I, since it's been seven years since we were neighbors last! I guess we both had thought that was just something we would never have again, but look at what life brought us. You never know what will happen. Kira and Thomas met today for the first time and I was happy to see they instantly connected and had loads of fun. It's important for me that my girlfriend gets along well with my friends... Girlfriend-friend-compatibility has caused me a lot of pain in the past. Fortunately this relationship is looking dandy in that arena. :)

Tomorrow I'm also going snowboarding, warming up for the Åre trip. I'm already excited, and we'll see how I do. Will I remember anything I learned in Vancouver, on Grouse Mountain? Let's hope so. ^^

Never mind the shit-kicking in the topic. That was just something I put in at mr. grelbar's request. :D

4.3.2007 - Life's full of surprises

Well... a lot of time has passed since my last blog entry. It's not that long in calendar days, but in emotional time it seems to have been a lifetime. My life has recently taken an abrupt turn, completely undermining my view of Sara, myself, and our relationship. Knowing we had a mutual life for four and a half years, you would realize this has a significant effect on my life. I met Kira on January 13th, and by Feb 1st I had moved out and basically broken contact with Sara. I have since been "poste restante" (this means my mail can't be delivered because I have no address to deliver it to), which is unusual for a guy who had studied computer engineering for four years with decent success, and worked steadily in the same job for two years.

My life is a fucking blast. Every day is an adventure. I've been through an enourmous amount of stress in the past month, but I've also gained valuable insights into my own life. I feel I've grown older and stronger again, and although the difficult times are not over yet, I feel I'll be a lot more self-confident once this blows over. If you've read my friend grelbar's blog, you'll know I haven't been alone in this mess. He's helped me through some serious shit and even though I was until yesterday seriously indebted to him financially, it's nothing compared to the emotional debt I owe him now. This experience has brought us a whole lot closer, which is another turn in my life. I always thought we had a lot in common, but our recent experiences have just... awed me. We're so alike we could be brothers. Like, twins, separated at birth. I can almost finish his sentences for him, and vice versa. It's scary.

So things are looking good, apart from the apartment...less...ness. My relationship with Kira has deepened every day, and I feel I understand her better and better. I feel I'm really starting to love her, and it looks like she finally dares love me, too. A few of you know she has had mighty bad experiences with men, before, and has some trust issues. But I'm a trustworthy guy. It just takes a bit of time to prove it.

Next week I'm going to Åre in northern Sweden to snowboard for a week. I would honestly not go, but this had been planned since last August and I've already paid for it. So I might as well enjoy the trip. But it's not easy when I have to find an apartment in seven six days. Thing is, Kira starts work at the airport on March 19th. Before that she has to have an apartment from which she an get to the airport easily. Currently it would take 1,5 hours one-way and she has her cats to take care of. The 19th happens to be the return date of my trip, which means we have to move before the trip. That's 136 hours. I have work on one day, and I should spend one day practicing snowboarding, since I only have one day of previous experience in that arena. Everyone else is an old-timer, and I need to get better if I want to keep up. We'll just see how this goes. I'll have to take it one day at a time... just like I have for the past month.

5.12.2006 - Mac's getting better at Macs...

Time for another post on Macs. I've slowly started to enjoy using my Mac, as I've learned how to use it more efficiently along the way. Experience really pays off, because in the beginning I was just plain frustrated. Everything worked slowly because I had no idea how anything worked, which programs to use for which purposes, what shortcut keys worked for which programs, or how to utilize the small perks Macs have, such as Widgets. Now that I do, it's a breeze because everything works smoothly. I've even started to experiment with new programs. The newest I tried were Adium and Camino. The former is an IM client with lots of potential. It's small, fast, pretty, and supports every IM protocol. It combines the best qualities of all IM clients I've ever used! This so far. I've only used it for a day. :D The latter is a Web browser, and I only just installed it. We'll see how it compares to Firefox.

15.9.2006 - Mac got a Mac!

So I switched to a Macintosh. Or at least I got myself a PowerBook laptop, even if my desktop still runs Windows. Works like a charm compared to a Windows machine, and the battery performance is unbelievable (up to 6 hours at a time), but I'm still learning how to use it. I suddenly feel like such a newbie after 10 years of experience with Windoze... But learning from scratch is kinda fun. And I love the beauty of almost never having to restart. I can always just put it to sleep and then wake it up again, and it'll be running just as smoothly as before. The dashboard is awesome, too, with all the little widgets. It's so convenient having a dictionary, thesaurus, translator, calculator, weatherman, unit converter, and a notepad all accessible by one button. I love it! I want the same for my Windows machine! :)

27.8.2006 - Canada blog's up!

Please navigate to our Canada blog and read about our experiences in Vancouver. =)

16.8.2006 - Summer's almost over

...but an exciting fall awaits in the 'backwoods of the U.S.' - Canada! I'm moving to Vancouver, and couldn't be more excited. I've heard so many good things about the place and not a single word of criticism! The possibilities are endless, I hear: It's on the coast, so you can surf or scuba dive. It's right next to the mountains, so you can ski, snowboard, or go mountaineering. There's are huge film studios there and Vancouver is also known as 'North Hollywood', so there's bound to be a lot of entertainment around. The people are friendly and open, and the cultural variety is unparallelled. It has the world's largest Chinatown, and you can see all races and nationalities on the streets. I hear Vancouver's even called 'Vansterdam' on occasion, and Amsterdam was the best! I'm really looking forward to this trip. Really. ^_^

16.5.2006 - Happier than ever

Wow. I'm really happy. In fact, I can't remember ever having been so happy for such a long time. For two weeks now, I've been ecstatic almost every day. Ever since that rave at Nosturi, Illusions Productions Vappu Special, I've just gotten inexplicable enjoyment from life. Everything seems to go well, from school to work to friend relationships to self-esteem. I feel like I'm very, very lucky because of everything I've had a chance to do and thanks to the people I've come to meet. I really hope other people can have this feeling some time. It really is wonderful! Maybe that rave somehow put my life in perspective - at that party I felt better than ever and afterwards I started introspecting a lot. I found I'm actually pretty well off in every sense!

I've been so energetic lately. And I even got to exploit the energy I've had - I had the chance to organize a class reunion with my elementary school class! Some people I haven't seen in 10 years! It'll be fun to see what everyone's been up to. Hmm... just noticed the last entry I wrote was almost the complete opposite of the one I wrote now. Should I be worried? Nope, I'll just credit my positive attitude to summer (finally!), school being very nearly over (something I've also been looking forward to), and having recently found many new passions. That's it.

13.4.2006 - Moving day

So... Moving day. Actually I moved most of my stuff yesterday, but I've spent much more time today organizing my stuff and cleaning the house. I moved to my dad's house, because it's convenient for the summer when I do my practical term at my dad's workplace, plus it's easier to take off when I go abroad next fall, I won't have to say up my apartment or anything. I still don't know where I'm going btw... Probably Canada, but possibly also the Netherlands. I'm so tired, next week we have three tests, and the following week another three. I have two jobs to worry about, and before I can take those tests there are like ten assignments I have to do... In addition I'm going skiing next weekend, and won't be able to do any schoolwork there...

I suppose it'll all turn out for the better. But right now I only feel stress, loneliness, and frustration. I'll go wash some laundry, then assemble my home entertainment theater... Maybe go to sleep at some point. Blargh.

25.3.2006 - Out again!

It looks like it's been a month since I last wrote, and once again because I had a wonderful time clubbing! I went with Jenni to Club Volume to the Heliosphere rave event, where Zwek, Cosmo, Miika Kuisma and Wert played. There were also some good psy-dj's but I can't remember their names :). However, we danced all night long (until they closed, really) and our muscles are sore enough to probably burst tomorrow when we try to get out of bed.

The longest straw was today drawn by Miika Kuisma. His set was incredible from beginning to end, and I danced in ecstasy for 2 whole hours. Wert wasn't far from that, and Cosmo even spun a decent set today. My new dancing shoes proved to be a success, as my feet don't hurt at all. I got an idea for future parties, namely, a sweatband! It soaks up all the sweat that runs down my forehead while I'm dancing (which is a lot), plus it might look cool!

I spent a total of 40 euros on this day, but it was worth every penny. That included the ticket, drinks, the coat service, food, and transportation home with the night fare, so it was actually a very decent price!

Hasta la vista...

25.2.2006 - Out clubbing!

Today I went out clubbing with Aura and Nina. We had such a great time! We planned to go to Club Uniq, but first went to Amarillo. However, we noticed it was full of teens, there was no one dancing, and everyone seemed to be watching hockey! :/ So we went to Uniq instead, and I started by getting myself a Battery for 2 euros! Awesome start for the evening, as was the music, which kept getting better and better the whole time.

It started with some dance hits like Madonna's Sorry, then turned into Usher's Caught Up, and finally transformed into trance music! It lasted long enough for me to almost collapse from exhaustion, and when I finally sat down because I simply couldn't dance anymore, the trance ended and some R'n'B hits came on. By then I noticed the last bus was leaving in ten minutes, and I ran to Kamppi in order to make it. All in all, ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY WONDERFUL! And I only spent 16 euros! More of these evenings, please. ;)

Some older blogs/diary entries

Recipes from a food party at Christmas at the ASK in Furtwangen, Germany

Exchange term in Furtwangen, Germany (fall of 2004)

A trip to Rhodes in 2004 (in Finnish)

29.10.2003 - Engagement day

Now, this was some day. After school, I went to pick up our engagement rings. I also went to the grocery store for some extra special food. I was going to make mozzarella stuffed ground beef rolls, potato chips, salad, and garlic bread, so I got all the necessary ingredients from the store. Then a visit to the book store yielded a candle, lots more candles, and an engagement card that I paid a fortune for. I quickly got a bottle of Henkell Trocken champagne before going home. Finally I stopped by the florist and picked up a deep red rose. Then home to start the preparations.

Of course, no evening, no matter how well planned, is perfect. This was when the first mishap of the evening occurred. I came home with all the groceries and started looking for the rosemary, but it was nowhere to be found! After the conclusion that I left it on the register counter at the store, I went to both of our local stores to look for some more. I wasn't that lucky - they were both out of it. I cursed my luck but decided to make do without the rosemary.

I started by cleaning the house thoroughly. Then I took a refreshing shower and wore some of my nicer clothes. After placing the candles, the rose and very graciously expressing my love on the engagement card, I started cooking. The salad got the first spot in my menu. Lettuce, cucumber, cherry tomatoes and mozzarella cheese covered with olive oil made a mighty tasty appetizer. Then I threw the potato chips in the oven and fried the beef rolls. You' think I would have made steak, but as Sara doesn' care for those, I thought this was the next best thing. When the rolls were nice and brown I added cream, soy sauce, lemon juice and a bit of honey.

When the potatoes were done, I threw in the baguettes. That was when I encountered my second disaster. The fat from the stuffing oozed out onto the oven floor and the resulting smoke was terrible.. Luckily, it had dissipated enough by the time Sara came home that we were able to eat. The food turned out excellent, in fact, and Sara spent the evening crying and trying to get a bite between the sobs. She is no cry baby so this was very unusual... I have never seen her as moved!